Quiet

I consider myself to be an introvert, I tend to keep things to myself and watch people from the sidelines quietly. I might be sociable in front of my friends but in the majority of the time, I keep my mouth shut. I don't really know why I do this, maybe it's because I know that words can hurt people and I, as a careless person will say the wrong thing at the wrong time, and I can't bear the consequences. However, through time, I've realised that silence is a weapon.

  The more I keep my thoughts to myself, the more it accumulates in my mind, it makes me ponder and wonder, creating hatred and emotions. Even then, I still keep quiet, keeping in my anger and letting these 'feelings' keep bottling up. I have come to the stage where I realise that I don't want people to see my weaknesses because nobody can be trusted. People are scary, they are all beings that do whatever it takes to gain their interests, whether if it's betraying or neglecting you, I've learnt it the hard way. Therefore, all these feelings accumulates until one day it will overload and are in need of disposal, and the only solution is to lock myself into a room and stare into a blank space and cry, it's comforting, like releasing a dagger from your heart.

  As a quiet person, I tend to observe people, I realise people's behaviour and I notice a lot of things, it gives me more insight of life as I unlock the little secrets of human nature. People say I'm anti-social but I'm not, I'm just different, I'm just... quiet...

It Hurts

  I think whenever people go, they always have this obligation to judge people. You might not know it, but when we first see a person, we subconsciously judge their looks, and instantly figure out the character of the person. That's why when you go to job interviews, you want to look pristine and formal because you want to have a good first impression. However, this judging gets too much.

  At school, all that I ever hear from people is their opinions about others, we do it because we enjoy it, undermining people and pick out the bad things about them. I have to admit, I do too sometimes. To be frank, we all do. As I mentioned over and over, we are eternally interested in ourselves. If we want ourselves to feel better, we tend to speak bad things about other people who you think are worse than you, then you'll feel more confident and superior. Don't you ever think when you speak out an opinion, you suddenly feel so much better? You like picking the negatives in people, the feeling is great and sometimes people get carried away with it...

  I was playing Paranoia with a group of friends, the games was to write down mean questions and put them in a jar, when you receive a question, you have to say the name of the person that is the answer to the question, if the person wants to know what the question was, they have to shout Paranoia. You only have three chances to say Paranoia. To my surprise, the majority of the answers were my name, I didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing but I soon found out. I shouted Paranoia to one of the questions and the question was 'Who would you kick out from your friendship group?'. The feeling was strange, the feeling that everything was a lie, everything that I contributed to my 'friends' wasn't appreciated, it was like I just don't belong. I knew it was just a game but sometimes, these comments, it hurts. I couldn't even imagine what I would have felt if the comment was genuine and was spoken to in my face. Even though these mean comments might not be true, people disregard it and take it the wrong way. I remember I was crying so much that night, thinking about all the effort I made to make friends and trying so hard to fit in, those mean comments kept whispering inside my head. I admit, I am a sensitive soul, but who isn't?

 Making these comments is what causes depression in people, because they feel cheated and they have nowhere to turn to. Even though you are saying it behind their backs, the word will spread and the person will find out eventually. Just imagine, if one day the person you despised became your best friends because you found out their true self but then they found out that you were talking behind their backs before, you instantly lose their trust and friendship, isn't that a shame.

  Therefore, you have no right to make a comment on a person unless you know them inside out, if you don't, then that's just a mean rumour. Yes, some people have characteristics that are hateful, but that doesn't mean you have to talk behind their backs, that won't change their character but in fact make it get worse, you're not doing any favours here. Tell the person directly, tell her what's wrong with her attitude in a nice way and they will reflect, try to give them a second chance to prove their true self instead of hurting them.  I think everybody deserves a second opportunity..

  

That Bully

  I’ve come to notice that bullying has become quite common, whether if it’s on the Internet, or physically in school. The proper definition of a bully is someone who uses strength and influence to harm or intimidate those who are weaker. Those people are selfish and they feel good when they bully people, it gives them a sense of power and satisfaction, and it is addicting.

 

  I was really lucky to have not yet had this experience of being bullied but I always feel compassion when I see posts on social media about bullying, I feel it’s very unfair and unjust, it drives people to a corner where there are no options of escape, I cannot dare to think how horrible that feeling is. Even though I’m not somebody in the position to give advice, I still want to put out some points to the victims out there. Don’t be silent about it, silence is like a cancer grows, if you stay silent about it, all those mean comments will keep on bothering your mind and you’ll become really self-conscious and depressed. You don’t necessarily have to tell a physical person, just write it out in your diary or on a blog, something to express your feelings.

  All bullies bully because they have their insecurities, mostly I think is because they want to be cool and be popular, people enjoy attention as I’ve mentioned in my previous post, their insecurity is losing friends and popularity, and mostly attention. If you know an insecurity of the bully that bullies you, pick on that, intimidate them, write a post-it and stick it on their locker, if you’re brave enough, say it in their face. Another way is to make them embarrassed in front of public, crack a joke in front of them and make them look bad. You don’t have to be afraid to speak up because there are no rankings between people, you and them are on the same level, both human beings, it’s just that ones more confident than the other, just because they have more friends to support them doesn’t mean that they are more superior than you. Step up.

  I guarantee you that if you avoid them by changing schools or by any other way, it won’t let the problem resolve. When you go into the new school, you’ll still have this insecurity that people will mock you and you become skeptical of people, unable to show you true self. If you let all those bullies go away, you’re confidence will rise and I bet then you won’t be the weakest person in school.  Don’t give up when you’re down because you have an amazing life upon you and it is not worth it to be worrying over some stupid comments that aren’t even true. Design your own life, and don’t others design it for you…

  And for bullies that are reading this post, pulling down someone doesn’t mean it’ll put you in a higher position, so stop bullying.

Loneliness

 Do you ever have the feeling that you’re invisible, the feeling where you are so helpless and you just let everything pass by in front your eyes? Today, I was walking with my friends to the dining room, but I found myself being isolated, I was watching their conversation, I wasn’t part of it, I stayed silent and helpless without knowing. At the end of the day, the only thing I can do is smile awkwardly. I find myself alone in my room, hearing laughs outside my window, the vacant room makes me feel strange, I’ve noticed that I’m encountering so many people a day that I’ve forgotten the feeling to be alone, and it scares me. I hate being alone, I despise being isolated, I hate to be invisible to people, that’s why when I’m alone, I like to blog, let all my thoughts go through my blog, it’s my escape from my sad reality.

  When I’m alone, I reflect on my actions and life, and the result is that I cry, I have this feeling that I wanted to be locked in a room and never come out. I remember when my House won a competition, everybody was in the common room, celebrating with loud music, but I on the other hand, was crying in my room because I realized I’m a nobody, I hid under my desk and cried and cried, I was reading the email my sister sent to me, she was encouraging me to believe in myself and that I shouldn’t change myself. I remember reading and denying it, saying that everything is turning against me, saying that I’m not ok. I hated the world so much. Loneliness forced me to be my own best friend.

  I envy people who don’t have this problem, it’s not like I don’t make an effort to make friends, it’s just that when I’m always there for people but when I need someone, nobody’s there for me. People are complicated, we pick and choose our friends, if you don’t like one, just shove them away and there is always one that suffers in the end of the day. I think people need to understand that they can’t expect me to always be bright and happy, there are times when I will be quiet, cold and impossible to understand.

  Loneliness can eat away people’s positivity in life so care for everybody around you, so be the good person who reaches out…

  

 Sorry this is more like a rant post but I

 thought that you should know that being alone, is why we are so immersed in the internet, it's a distraction from reality, it makes us forget our sadness, that's why the internet is so powerful. This portal can disguise us and we can live as another person we desire to be. However, this can't last forever, I'm in the process of changing, I'm trying to reach out to people because I don't want to be addicted to being something which is not the real me. So if you're sitting here mourning about your life, get out there and change your life, instead of avoiding the issue by going on the internet. I'm sure you can manage :)

For All That Are Struggling With Friendships

  Friends are not easy to make, it takes time, commitment, coincidences to establish. Sometimes, I always think that it's better to have a few best friends who you can really rely on instead of having hundreds of friends, this is my advice to people out there who think they don't have enough friends and are not popular enough, you don't need popularity in your life, you need genuine friendships.
  For people out there who are struggling to make friends at school, at work or wherever. This is the blogpost for you. I came to England not knowing anybody, unknown to the culture, and I have to admit, I was in culture shock when I first arrived and it took time for me to fit in. I was fine with socialising and I made some friends at the start but I started to lose contact with them because I was tired out by the work I had to do and I didn't have the time to socialise. Biggest mistake I've ever made. During the time of me engrossed into my work, my 'friends' have moved on and created friendship groups naturally. So, I was back to square one again and it took so long and so much effort to make friends again. The period of loneliness lasted a while, I've experienced depression, I was crying everyday because I hated the feeling of being an outcast, isolated and friendless. I kept bottling up my feelings and dealt with my own problems, I was stuck in a position where I'm unable to join any friendship groups because I was one step late.
  The main problem I made was that I didn't take the initiative, take the initiative to create conversation with your biology partner, you might find you have quite a lot common interests. Always bring up topics like tv series, viral videos, celebrities, something that everyone has interest in. If you feel you need to change yourself to make friends, don't, you need to embrace your weirdness because everyone is different and if they despise for that, then they're not worthy to be your friend anyway, they're so many people out there that understand and have the same character as you, you're not alone. Also, you have a long path ahead so aim far and ignore the little pebbles that stop you on the way, they're just another test to make you stronger. Now when I look back to the diaries I wrote during the time of my depression, I felt like I was exaggerating and over reacting to the situation. Sometimes at desperate situations, we tend to be emotional, so try to calm yourself down and think of solutions to make the situation better. This goes to making friends, getting into an argument with a friend, any kind of situation.
  I hope you have found this useful through from what I've learnt in past experiences and hopefully opened up your mind and remember that friends take time to establish and that time will heal everything as long as you make the effort to take the first step