Quiet

I consider myself to be an introvert, I tend to keep things to myself and watch people from the sidelines quietly. I might be sociable in front of my friends but in the majority of the time, I keep my mouth shut. I don't really know why I do this, maybe it's because I know that words can hurt people and I, as a careless person will say the wrong thing at the wrong time, and I can't bear the consequences. However, through time, I've realised that silence is a weapon.

  The more I keep my thoughts to myself, the more it accumulates in my mind, it makes me ponder and wonder, creating hatred and emotions. Even then, I still keep quiet, keeping in my anger and letting these 'feelings' keep bottling up. I have come to the stage where I realise that I don't want people to see my weaknesses because nobody can be trusted. People are scary, they are all beings that do whatever it takes to gain their interests, whether if it's betraying or neglecting you, I've learnt it the hard way. Therefore, all these feelings accumulates until one day it will overload and are in need of disposal, and the only solution is to lock myself into a room and stare into a blank space and cry, it's comforting, like releasing a dagger from your heart.

  As a quiet person, I tend to observe people, I realise people's behaviour and I notice a lot of things, it gives me more insight of life as I unlock the little secrets of human nature. People say I'm anti-social but I'm not, I'm just different, I'm just... quiet...

Friends

I think we can all agree that we want to be loved by everyone, we want to be the perfect person that everybody looks up to, we want to be 'goals'. When I scroll through my tumblr feed, I see these pretty and tanned girls in a bikini admiring the sunset, instead of feeling a sign of awe, I had a sign of defeat. In reality, we really can't be the perfect person, even the pretty girls in those 'perfect' pictures, there will always be people who find us annoying, and there will always be people who don't favour us. We all have our bad habits.

  That's what friends are for. True and genuine friends will tolerate your bad habits, they're the ones that share the same characteristics, habits and interest as you and those, are the ones that will help you all the way through life and don't hold grudges against you. True friends won't isolate you for someone else, true friends stick up to you no matter what, and trust me, there will only be just a few in your entire life. You don't need a hundred people to care about you because chances are, the majority of them don't care and just want your attention, true friends however do care and thinks about your needs before theirs. In primary school, I used to be friendless because I was different, I was new to the environment and I didn't know anyone, I remember I would cry everyday until a girl approached me one day and asked me if I was okay before anyone else, she did it because she cared, she did it because she noticed and was concerned. The feeling was new and touching, it was like finding light in the big dark world and I can tell you that the girl that became my first friend in life is now my best friend for 7 years.

  Friends are bonded through memorable things, you both have a mutual memory of each other. The small talks you have with them, the DMCs you talk about all night, the memorable school trips you had together. A friend is somebody that can insult your insecurities and you won't feel offended because you know they're joking. Sometimes at night, I wonder what i wake up everyday for, what is something that is worth while for me to get up and sleep at a decent time? Well, friends do, we look forward to school, to trips, to dates because we want to make more memories with your friends, going to school and studying might not be fun but you will find that the best memories you have in life lies in the memories you make at school. A school is a portal for you to make friends so treasure it. I think there is a clear difference between lovers and friends, Lovers are a pair of people who are passionately in love and can tolerate each others flaws; friends are a group of people who respect you for who you are and were there to witness your success since day 1.

It Hurts

  I think whenever people go, they always have this obligation to judge people. You might not know it, but when we first see a person, we subconsciously judge their looks, and instantly figure out the character of the person. That's why when you go to job interviews, you want to look pristine and formal because you want to have a good first impression. However, this judging gets too much.

  At school, all that I ever hear from people is their opinions about others, we do it because we enjoy it, undermining people and pick out the bad things about them. I have to admit, I do too sometimes. To be frank, we all do. As I mentioned over and over, we are eternally interested in ourselves. If we want ourselves to feel better, we tend to speak bad things about other people who you think are worse than you, then you'll feel more confident and superior. Don't you ever think when you speak out an opinion, you suddenly feel so much better? You like picking the negatives in people, the feeling is great and sometimes people get carried away with it...

  I was playing Paranoia with a group of friends, the games was to write down mean questions and put them in a jar, when you receive a question, you have to say the name of the person that is the answer to the question, if the person wants to know what the question was, they have to shout Paranoia. You only have three chances to say Paranoia. To my surprise, the majority of the answers were my name, I didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing but I soon found out. I shouted Paranoia to one of the questions and the question was 'Who would you kick out from your friendship group?'. The feeling was strange, the feeling that everything was a lie, everything that I contributed to my 'friends' wasn't appreciated, it was like I just don't belong. I knew it was just a game but sometimes, these comments, it hurts. I couldn't even imagine what I would have felt if the comment was genuine and was spoken to in my face. Even though these mean comments might not be true, people disregard it and take it the wrong way. I remember I was crying so much that night, thinking about all the effort I made to make friends and trying so hard to fit in, those mean comments kept whispering inside my head. I admit, I am a sensitive soul, but who isn't?

 Making these comments is what causes depression in people, because they feel cheated and they have nowhere to turn to. Even though you are saying it behind their backs, the word will spread and the person will find out eventually. Just imagine, if one day the person you despised became your best friends because you found out their true self but then they found out that you were talking behind their backs before, you instantly lose their trust and friendship, isn't that a shame.

  Therefore, you have no right to make a comment on a person unless you know them inside out, if you don't, then that's just a mean rumour. Yes, some people have characteristics that are hateful, but that doesn't mean you have to talk behind their backs, that won't change their character but in fact make it get worse, you're not doing any favours here. Tell the person directly, tell her what's wrong with her attitude in a nice way and they will reflect, try to give them a second chance to prove their true self instead of hurting them.  I think everybody deserves a second opportunity..

  

Loneliness

 Do you ever have the feeling that you’re invisible, the feeling where you are so helpless and you just let everything pass by in front your eyes? Today, I was walking with my friends to the dining room, but I found myself being isolated, I was watching their conversation, I wasn’t part of it, I stayed silent and helpless without knowing. At the end of the day, the only thing I can do is smile awkwardly. I find myself alone in my room, hearing laughs outside my window, the vacant room makes me feel strange, I’ve noticed that I’m encountering so many people a day that I’ve forgotten the feeling to be alone, and it scares me. I hate being alone, I despise being isolated, I hate to be invisible to people, that’s why when I’m alone, I like to blog, let all my thoughts go through my blog, it’s my escape from my sad reality.

  When I’m alone, I reflect on my actions and life, and the result is that I cry, I have this feeling that I wanted to be locked in a room and never come out. I remember when my House won a competition, everybody was in the common room, celebrating with loud music, but I on the other hand, was crying in my room because I realized I’m a nobody, I hid under my desk and cried and cried, I was reading the email my sister sent to me, she was encouraging me to believe in myself and that I shouldn’t change myself. I remember reading and denying it, saying that everything is turning against me, saying that I’m not ok. I hated the world so much. Loneliness forced me to be my own best friend.

  I envy people who don’t have this problem, it’s not like I don’t make an effort to make friends, it’s just that when I’m always there for people but when I need someone, nobody’s there for me. People are complicated, we pick and choose our friends, if you don’t like one, just shove them away and there is always one that suffers in the end of the day. I think people need to understand that they can’t expect me to always be bright and happy, there are times when I will be quiet, cold and impossible to understand.

  Loneliness can eat away people’s positivity in life so care for everybody around you, so be the good person who reaches out…

  

 Sorry this is more like a rant post but I

 thought that you should know that being alone, is why we are so immersed in the internet, it's a distraction from reality, it makes us forget our sadness, that's why the internet is so powerful. This portal can disguise us and we can live as another person we desire to be. However, this can't last forever, I'm in the process of changing, I'm trying to reach out to people because I don't want to be addicted to being something which is not the real me. So if you're sitting here mourning about your life, get out there and change your life, instead of avoiding the issue by going on the internet. I'm sure you can manage :)