My Life, My Choices

  I feel like society has painted a lot of images as to what is good for a career. As an asian, my parents think that a professional job (e.g. doctors, lawyers and engineers) are jobs that can give you stability and financial security. I am always pressured to fulfil their wishes but I know deep inside, this is not what I want to be.

  It's really sad to see people going to work for the sake of going to work, it might not be something they particularly enjoy but they take the job anyways, because they have wages that they can live by. In a money oriented society, people consider it as a big thing in their career. All people want, is to buy a house that they can comfortably live in and build a family, this all costs money. Therefore, for the sake of earning the money, people go with the job with the higher wage, and don't follow their passion.

  I believe if you follow your passion, you would achieve even further because you enjoy what you're doing, and nothing you do bores you. You would lead to a healthier life that way and be happy. If your passion is saving people from diseases, good for you; if your passion is to be dancer, sign up for auditions, it's never too late, and if you're scared, just think that you have nothing to lose.

  Don't be influenced by your family's wishes and don't be wavered by how your friends are doing, because in the end of the day, it's your choice to make the move. Break out of your comfort zone and confess that you want to be who you are, and not something you're not. You are the designer of your life, nobody designs it for you, it's your individual masterpiece, so don't waste it. As they all say, you only live once, do the things you love before it's too late and it will take you somewhere, somehow, it's funny how events are all linked and happen for a reason. Design a life you love, make your friends and family proud of your achievements, prove to them you are more than what they think.

  Grasp the time you've got and make use of it. Don't just sit there in front of a computer and dream about an ideal life, because you're not making anything happen. Seeing people on the internet gaining success might make you feel really discouraged because you've achieved nothing significant yet but think of it as a goal to look up to.

  Time is valuable so do the things you love and not the things you are reluctant to do, take the risk, no regrets. You have a dream, so make it happen.

 

Alone

  I like being alone, from time to time. I close my eyes and listen to my ballad music, I look around me and observe, the quietness that I'm never used to, the waving trees outside, the pattering rain, and feeling my heart is relaxing. When I'm alone, I think what a long way I have came in life, I start to think deep, and all the burdens of my life would instantly go away and I just want to stay at the moment forever.

  I like the sense that I don't have to please anyone or make the effort to make friends or keep friends or anything. Sometimes, things just becomes too much and I think we all need that alone time to have a reality check, a moment where you can be yourself and find back your old self. I often find myself changing my character to please other people and as time goes by, I start to lose my original character. When I'm alone, my old self comes back because there is no one there to judge what I'm doing.

  When you're alone, you start to think why nobody cares about you after all, after all the things you have done to them, you wonder why you're not the perfect girl that always has this cute boyfriend, you wonder why you're so weird, you get so angry at yourself because you are you. At that point, I always cry, for no apparent reason, just because I just felt like it, crying for the sake that it'll make me feel better about my crappy life. Crying is a way of self-comfort, it shows out weak side that we don't want anyone to see because we are insecure about ourselves, that's why we always cry when we're alone, hiding your feelings from everyone because they will judge for who you are.

  Who are you? When I'm alone, I always search for myself, my real-self. Who am I actually? Am I the girl that is always sociable and hangs out with her friends all the time? Or am I the girl that always wants to hide in her room and go on the internet? I get confused because there are so many sides of myself. I wish that people would accept me for the way I am but at the end of the day, I'm really the only one who can accept my true self. We all have our crazy and lonely sides that we don't want to see.

  When I'm alone, I always look out of my window and look at the sky, those clouds emerging together, the way they move together, I always think that the sky is the prettiest when I'm alone and it makes me realises that I'm only a small creature in the great big world. Upon those clouds is a completely universe that is unknown to us and I realise that I'm one of the billions of people in the world.
 
  Then I figure that I'm not alone, because there must be someone right now, at the same moment, thinking the same thing as me, alone in their rooms and having their alone time. I'm not a loner, I'm not alone. The alone time we have I think is a type of healing, it heals you from all the hurt you get everyday, all the guilt you endure, it releases it out of your chest.

  Being alone saves us from being something we're not, it is a time that allows to do whatever we want because there is no one there to stop us; being alone means that you can rethink your life, decide what you want to do for the rest of it and just let the chips fall into its place; being alone motivates you to do your best and live life the fullest everyday...

Friends

I think we can all agree that we want to be loved by everyone, we want to be the perfect person that everybody looks up to, we want to be 'goals'. When I scroll through my tumblr feed, I see these pretty and tanned girls in a bikini admiring the sunset, instead of feeling a sign of awe, I had a sign of defeat. In reality, we really can't be the perfect person, even the pretty girls in those 'perfect' pictures, there will always be people who find us annoying, and there will always be people who don't favour us. We all have our bad habits.

  That's what friends are for. True and genuine friends will tolerate your bad habits, they're the ones that share the same characteristics, habits and interest as you and those, are the ones that will help you all the way through life and don't hold grudges against you. True friends won't isolate you for someone else, true friends stick up to you no matter what, and trust me, there will only be just a few in your entire life. You don't need a hundred people to care about you because chances are, the majority of them don't care and just want your attention, true friends however do care and thinks about your needs before theirs. In primary school, I used to be friendless because I was different, I was new to the environment and I didn't know anyone, I remember I would cry everyday until a girl approached me one day and asked me if I was okay before anyone else, she did it because she cared, she did it because she noticed and was concerned. The feeling was new and touching, it was like finding light in the big dark world and I can tell you that the girl that became my first friend in life is now my best friend for 7 years.

  Friends are bonded through memorable things, you both have a mutual memory of each other. The small talks you have with them, the DMCs you talk about all night, the memorable school trips you had together. A friend is somebody that can insult your insecurities and you won't feel offended because you know they're joking. Sometimes at night, I wonder what i wake up everyday for, what is something that is worth while for me to get up and sleep at a decent time? Well, friends do, we look forward to school, to trips, to dates because we want to make more memories with your friends, going to school and studying might not be fun but you will find that the best memories you have in life lies in the memories you make at school. A school is a portal for you to make friends so treasure it. I think there is a clear difference between lovers and friends, Lovers are a pair of people who are passionately in love and can tolerate each others flaws; friends are a group of people who respect you for who you are and were there to witness your success since day 1.

It Hurts

  I think whenever people go, they always have this obligation to judge people. You might not know it, but when we first see a person, we subconsciously judge their looks, and instantly figure out the character of the person. That's why when you go to job interviews, you want to look pristine and formal because you want to have a good first impression. However, this judging gets too much.

  At school, all that I ever hear from people is their opinions about others, we do it because we enjoy it, undermining people and pick out the bad things about them. I have to admit, I do too sometimes. To be frank, we all do. As I mentioned over and over, we are eternally interested in ourselves. If we want ourselves to feel better, we tend to speak bad things about other people who you think are worse than you, then you'll feel more confident and superior. Don't you ever think when you speak out an opinion, you suddenly feel so much better? You like picking the negatives in people, the feeling is great and sometimes people get carried away with it...

  I was playing Paranoia with a group of friends, the games was to write down mean questions and put them in a jar, when you receive a question, you have to say the name of the person that is the answer to the question, if the person wants to know what the question was, they have to shout Paranoia. You only have three chances to say Paranoia. To my surprise, the majority of the answers were my name, I didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing but I soon found out. I shouted Paranoia to one of the questions and the question was 'Who would you kick out from your friendship group?'. The feeling was strange, the feeling that everything was a lie, everything that I contributed to my 'friends' wasn't appreciated, it was like I just don't belong. I knew it was just a game but sometimes, these comments, it hurts. I couldn't even imagine what I would have felt if the comment was genuine and was spoken to in my face. Even though these mean comments might not be true, people disregard it and take it the wrong way. I remember I was crying so much that night, thinking about all the effort I made to make friends and trying so hard to fit in, those mean comments kept whispering inside my head. I admit, I am a sensitive soul, but who isn't?

 Making these comments is what causes depression in people, because they feel cheated and they have nowhere to turn to. Even though you are saying it behind their backs, the word will spread and the person will find out eventually. Just imagine, if one day the person you despised became your best friends because you found out their true self but then they found out that you were talking behind their backs before, you instantly lose their trust and friendship, isn't that a shame.

  Therefore, you have no right to make a comment on a person unless you know them inside out, if you don't, then that's just a mean rumour. Yes, some people have characteristics that are hateful, but that doesn't mean you have to talk behind their backs, that won't change their character but in fact make it get worse, you're not doing any favours here. Tell the person directly, tell her what's wrong with her attitude in a nice way and they will reflect, try to give them a second chance to prove their true self instead of hurting them.  I think everybody deserves a second opportunity..

  

Loneliness

 Do you ever have the feeling that you’re invisible, the feeling where you are so helpless and you just let everything pass by in front your eyes? Today, I was walking with my friends to the dining room, but I found myself being isolated, I was watching their conversation, I wasn’t part of it, I stayed silent and helpless without knowing. At the end of the day, the only thing I can do is smile awkwardly. I find myself alone in my room, hearing laughs outside my window, the vacant room makes me feel strange, I’ve noticed that I’m encountering so many people a day that I’ve forgotten the feeling to be alone, and it scares me. I hate being alone, I despise being isolated, I hate to be invisible to people, that’s why when I’m alone, I like to blog, let all my thoughts go through my blog, it’s my escape from my sad reality.

  When I’m alone, I reflect on my actions and life, and the result is that I cry, I have this feeling that I wanted to be locked in a room and never come out. I remember when my House won a competition, everybody was in the common room, celebrating with loud music, but I on the other hand, was crying in my room because I realized I’m a nobody, I hid under my desk and cried and cried, I was reading the email my sister sent to me, she was encouraging me to believe in myself and that I shouldn’t change myself. I remember reading and denying it, saying that everything is turning against me, saying that I’m not ok. I hated the world so much. Loneliness forced me to be my own best friend.

  I envy people who don’t have this problem, it’s not like I don’t make an effort to make friends, it’s just that when I’m always there for people but when I need someone, nobody’s there for me. People are complicated, we pick and choose our friends, if you don’t like one, just shove them away and there is always one that suffers in the end of the day. I think people need to understand that they can’t expect me to always be bright and happy, there are times when I will be quiet, cold and impossible to understand.

  Loneliness can eat away people’s positivity in life so care for everybody around you, so be the good person who reaches out…

  

 Sorry this is more like a rant post but I

 thought that you should know that being alone, is why we are so immersed in the internet, it's a distraction from reality, it makes us forget our sadness, that's why the internet is so powerful. This portal can disguise us and we can live as another person we desire to be. However, this can't last forever, I'm in the process of changing, I'm trying to reach out to people because I don't want to be addicted to being something which is not the real me. So if you're sitting here mourning about your life, get out there and change your life, instead of avoiding the issue by going on the internet. I'm sure you can manage :)

The First Phone Call From Heaven

 I've recently read the book called 'The First Phone Call From Heaven' by Mitch Albom. I just wanted to review on this book, my thoughts on the message the book delivers. (Apologies to the ones who haven't read it) I have to admit, it's not one of Mitch Albom's best books (strongly recommend 'The Time Keeper')

 The whole book illustrates a story about a small area in America called Cold Waters and it all started with a normal woman called Tess who received a phone call from her dead mother, and the story proceeds when we find out that there are other people who have also received these phone calls. However, the protagonist Sully is determined to decode this mystery because he doesn't believe in this 'madness' because he too had scars from his dead wife who was killed because of him. 

 The message from this book is that faith is a very dangerous thing, we may believe in something that is completely false, in terms called 'false hopes'. The phone calls in this book are a sacred false hope to the people, a proof that heaven exists, and people go mad about it. The story actually progresses to the point where people go mental and do whatever they can to receive the phone call from heaven, proving that religion can manipulate our minds and persuade us to do anything. Personally, I think these false hopes should be stayed as it is, even though they might all be nonexistent, it gives believers a purpose to live, something they can hold on to, so it's better to let them be. Because the truth is cruel, it breaks the circle you have created after years of believing. We can see this in the book, the truth can crush people, like they have lost their sense of being, like believing into a lie. I also think these false hopes can create fantasies for people to escape for reality, when the characters from the book first heard from their dead relatives, they were in shock, emotional, relieved; they were relieved that their dead relatives are safe, they were emotional because they missed them so dearly, they were in shock because they were speechless about this miracle. Believing in heaven is what heals us on earth..

 I have false hopes as well, I believe that there is a world in the other side of the parallel universe where life wasn't complicated, where I will have no worries, where I will be loved and not be forgotten. But of course, it's just a dream that I hold on to, the ideal life I hope for, though it might just be a dream, it gives me a target and imagination. I think everyone is allowed to have a belief and a dream, everyone deserves an imaginary portal to let out their feelings and dreams through.

 I hope you've enjoyed this post, please support and leave a comment about your dreamland :)

  

Be Thankful

 I've just realised that Mother's Day just went by. Mother's Day was never really celebrated in my house but this year, I've decided to show my appreciation.

 I always think that we take things for granted, even though majority of the time we say 'thank you', we don't genuinely mean it most of the time. I also think that we never are aware about how much our parents have sacrificed for us, I've only just recognised this when I came to England, when I was homesick and missing the support my parent's gave me. Even when you're parents might be really busy and never see you, doesn't mean they don't love you, they just express it in a different way. This applies to divorced families, although your parents might be separated, and you might feel betrayed and depressed, that doesn't mean that they don't feel guilty and love you less. Just look around you, your bed, the meals you have everyday, the education you get, are all sacrifices from your parents. We  never are aware of this because you think it's just a life necessity. You're lucky because you have technology, you have a computer to read this blog, trust me, there are so many people out there that don't have an education, a warm home to live in globally. You don't know how privileged you are. Your parents could spend their money on their own luxury and pleasure, but instead, they spent it on you because they want you to live a good life.

 Be grateful to your friends because they are the ones that will support and understand you all the time, they are the people that you can have fun with and let me tell you that not everyone can have this sheer joy. There are millions of people out there who are stuck in life due to bullying and depression, they have no friends and nobody to talk to yet nobody is laying a helping hand because they are afraid. So, cherish those moments when you have a sleepover with your friends because when you come out into the great big world, it's really hard to make friends because it's a competitive environment and nobody and trust each other.

 Therefore, if you're thinking that you have no friends or feeling unloved, think about all the countless things you're parents has done for you (might be one of your memorable birthday parties they organised) and think about all the fun and memories you made with your friends, these make you realise that you are not alone. So tonight when you go to bed, give a hug to your parents and thank them for what they've done for you, call up your long lost best friend and talk about your memories, I'm sure these things will lighten up your day once you count the little happy things that happened to you.

 Thank you for reading this :) Leave a comment about your worries and create a discussion, let's all help and support each other💗