Alone

  I like being alone, from time to time. I close my eyes and listen to my ballad music, I look around me and observe, the quietness that I'm never used to, the waving trees outside, the pattering rain, and feeling my heart is relaxing. When I'm alone, I think what a long way I have came in life, I start to think deep, and all the burdens of my life would instantly go away and I just want to stay at the moment forever.

  I like the sense that I don't have to please anyone or make the effort to make friends or keep friends or anything. Sometimes, things just becomes too much and I think we all need that alone time to have a reality check, a moment where you can be yourself and find back your old self. I often find myself changing my character to please other people and as time goes by, I start to lose my original character. When I'm alone, my old self comes back because there is no one there to judge what I'm doing.

  When you're alone, you start to think why nobody cares about you after all, after all the things you have done to them, you wonder why you're not the perfect girl that always has this cute boyfriend, you wonder why you're so weird, you get so angry at yourself because you are you. At that point, I always cry, for no apparent reason, just because I just felt like it, crying for the sake that it'll make me feel better about my crappy life. Crying is a way of self-comfort, it shows out weak side that we don't want anyone to see because we are insecure about ourselves, that's why we always cry when we're alone, hiding your feelings from everyone because they will judge for who you are.

  Who are you? When I'm alone, I always search for myself, my real-self. Who am I actually? Am I the girl that is always sociable and hangs out with her friends all the time? Or am I the girl that always wants to hide in her room and go on the internet? I get confused because there are so many sides of myself. I wish that people would accept me for the way I am but at the end of the day, I'm really the only one who can accept my true self. We all have our crazy and lonely sides that we don't want to see.

  When I'm alone, I always look out of my window and look at the sky, those clouds emerging together, the way they move together, I always think that the sky is the prettiest when I'm alone and it makes me realises that I'm only a small creature in the great big world. Upon those clouds is a completely universe that is unknown to us and I realise that I'm one of the billions of people in the world.
 
  Then I figure that I'm not alone, because there must be someone right now, at the same moment, thinking the same thing as me, alone in their rooms and having their alone time. I'm not a loner, I'm not alone. The alone time we have I think is a type of healing, it heals you from all the hurt you get everyday, all the guilt you endure, it releases it out of your chest.

  Being alone saves us from being something we're not, it is a time that allows to do whatever we want because there is no one there to stop us; being alone means that you can rethink your life, decide what you want to do for the rest of it and just let the chips fall into its place; being alone motivates you to do your best and live life the fullest everyday...

A Little Story (Chapter 3)

Chapter 3

  The day has finally come, once a hobby now has become a big thing in my life. What is this feeling in my heart? The feeling of being noticed, to be seen instead of to see, people actually know me for what I do. Video gaming has changed my life, it reset my life and I can now live as a new identity, a girl that by chance is good at video games, not a useless girl who is colour blind.
  I arrived at the arena, I was amazed by the different various types of promotions of the video games, it was like.. heaven, the only thing that makes me happy. I was immersed in the stores and I was interrupted by a man with a pristine suit, he looked proper, not someone I would expect in this kind of event, he wore these bulky black glasses, I wasn't sure about his choice of style.
  'Hi, I'm David Spectar, I'm one of the organisers of today's event. Are you Emily Clarke? One of our guests to compete in the gaming battle onstage today? It's a pleasure to meet you, if you follow me Miss. Clarke.'
  So I did, I walked down the long alley down to the middle of arena, and a lot of people were looking at me, I felt self-conscious, this has never happened in my life and a few moments I will be playing video games in front of a big crowd, I don't know how I'm going to cope.
  I was sent to wait backstage alongside with my 'opponents', I realised that I was the only female amongst the group, it felt strange. I sat quietly at the corner, observing the other people in the room, they were all very anti-social, but I guest I'm anti-social as well, they all had their gadgets, holding their PS3s, they all looked really professional.
  In the midst of these thoughts, someone poked my back, I turned around and saw.. a coloured boy, he had black nike shoes, blue jeans and a grey t-shirt, all these colours evaded my mind, he must be one of my stimulants to improve my vision, I was loss for words, I looked at him with wide eyes, he had a well-structured face, beautiful cheekbones, dreamy blue eyes and brown hair, his eyes squinted when he smiled, he had this charismatic look, like a charm.
  'Hey, I'm Aaron, so you're the legendary player that made it up the leader board within a month, how did you do it? I can't believe it, it took me at least half a year to accomplish that. What's your name?'
  My heart fluttered, what is this feeling? I don't understand, why is my heart beating so fast? A heat flushed to my cheeks, I didn't know what to say, but these words came out of my mouth
  'I'm Emily Clarke, and... it's none of your business.'
  WHY DID I SAY SUCH THING! Is my body resisting to him? Why am I acting so cold all of the sudden? I haven't talked to a boy since.. Forever. I saw his smile fade, I saw his dreamy blue eyes lose its sparkle, I felt terrible and at that exact moment, I was called on stage, I looked back and saw him waiting to go on stage, he waved at me and mouthed the words Good Luck, I didn't know what to do, so I idiotically ignored him, well done Emily.
  Maybe this wasn't meant to be, maybe I'm acting like this because I shouldn't be attracted to him, I don't want him to know about my insecurity, I'm a hot mess and I don't want him to be dragged into this. However, what is this bad feeling I'm experiencing? Somehow, my gut tells me something is going to happen.
  Ignoring all my thoughts, I walked on stage faced by the cheer of a thousand people.


Aaron's POV
  Video gaming is a small part of my life, I like to hang out with my friends at school, I get the occasional love letter and gifts from a lot of 'fangirls', I enjoy attention, it makes me more occupied. Recently, one of my best friends proposed her love to me and I rejected her. I'm not interested in relationships, I'm waiting for the right girl for me, like the girl I met in prep school, I still couldn't forget her, I don't know why she never came back to school after she was hospitalised, I missed her.

  I was invited to become on of the competitors in the battle in the Annual Video Gaming Festivals. When I walked in the backstage, I saw this girl with long silky brown hair, she wore ordinary dull clothes, but there was a sense of secrecy that compelled me to her, like a sense of connection, I couldn't resist her. I figured she was the famous gamer that was mentioned in all the inner gossips in the gaming world, people describe her as cool and beautiful with style, I was obliged to see her face. I poked her shoulder and she turned around and I saw the most beautiful girl I've ever encountered, she had this kind of sad face, like she has this insecurity inside her that she doesn't anyone to know, her big blue  eyes pleaded with hope and potential, her lips were rouged and looked like they haven't smiled for a long time. Despite all the depressing features that I could sense, her face was telling a story, it intrigued me, how come such a beautiful person could have a hard life?  I wanted to know her.

  Then it hit me, she resembled to the girl I met in prep school, Emily

  *Follow to read further chapters, will update soon*

*Thank you for reading! This is also on wattpad if it's better to read that way
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A Little Story (Chapter 2)

Chapter 2)

  The feeling of seeing colour was extraordinary, it was like a sheer light coming into an abandoned dark room after a long time, it made me think that I can reset my life once and for all. That day, I bought a video game, it was weird because only the game was coloured, everything else was still black and white but at least it gave me something to look forward to, once I find all the stimulants in my life, then I will fully recover from my blindness. For once in my life, I could believe in myself and have faith.

 I returned home finding my mother sulking on the coach, I took a deep breath and stood in front of her, I held back my tears, I wish I could see her in colour, I wish she was one of my stimulants, but the odds are never in my favour. 'Ok mum, I'll go to college for you.' these simple words came out of my mouth and seeing my mother's face lit up for so long, I felt like I've finally made her happy, my mother hugged me tight and I could feel her warm tears soaking into my clothes, I slowly hid the video game I hid, I didn't want to give her false hope, this might never work but I'm willing to give it a shot.

  That night, I was playing the video game on my computer, it was thrilling, the adrenaline rushing through me, I have never felt so invincible in my life, it was an escape from my sad reality. When I'm playing video games, I am not just seeing black and white, it makes me happy for once in life. I was quickly addicted to it, overnight, I've already reached the highest levels, after a week, I was on the international leader board, I hardly slept but it was worth doing because it made me have a purpose. After 2 weeks of non-stop gaming, I was up at the top of the leader board, I was alone in my room but I wasn't in the video game, nobody in the game knows I'm colour blind, I was a new me.

  Video gaming became a huge part of my life, my mother never asked why I like gaming because she knows that I must have my means. After a few months, I was playing different sorts of games and I never got bored, I topped all of the rankings, the satisfaction when you complete a level, the pride you feel when you see your username on the board, I was addicted in a happy way, we are never addicted to something we don't like. However, the happy times will always come to an end, my mother one day came into my room holding a uniform,'you made a promise.' she said with a serious face, I knew the time had to come, I will have to start school in the next few weeks, back to reality. My mother also dropped a letter on my desk, 'This came in the post' she said, it was the first letter I've received in my life, it was probably an advertisement. Holding low hopes, I opened it but to find an invitation for me to attend a video game festival in London as a professional game player on stage, I was shocked, words could not describe what I felt. I was seen by someone for the first time rather than to see, people are noticing me, I'm finally not a nobody, this might just be my breakout in my life.

  *Please follow to see the continuing chapters, will update soon*

A Little Story

Chapter 1)

  Mum is always telling me to go to bed every night but I don't want to. Not when I don't have a reason to wake up, I will sleep at a decent time when I know there is something worth waking up for. My life is crumbling, it has become uninteresting, there's nothing I can look forward to. My mum always say that I have potential in being great but as I've grown up I've realised she was saying that to make me feel better. I still remember the day when I saw the colours in my eyes fading, seeing my classmate's uniform's colour fade, my sudden confusion, I couldn't comprehend what was happening, everything around me was slowly fading into 2 simple colours: black and white. I don't what happened next but the next thing I saw was the tears of my mother, sitting next to the hospital bed with her sorrowful look, I was only 5 and didn't know what to do but one thing was for sure, my heart was aching. From then on, I've become more aware that I'm colour blind, the doctor told me that my case is different and that I needed some stimulant to recover but he didn't know what, basically letting me accept the fact I will forever be colourblind.

  Life after that was so different, I couldn't go to school because I was so negative and hated being underestimated. I did try to go to school but all I could hear was, 'So she's the colour blind girl.', I hate being labelled, I hate being different, I hate being myself. I have lost interest in food because I couldn't see the colours, I have lost interest in movies and the media because all I could see is black and white. For the past 12 years, I've been living without purpose, I'm living not for my sake but for my mother, she was the only one that didn't give up on me and I don't want to let her down, she is the world to me, the only thing that I hold dearly. All the time, I feel angry with myself because I am who I am, a useless colourblind teenager who has no hope in life. I feel angry because I can do nothing about it and I feel angry because I see my poor mother suffer everyday because of me. I shouldn't be living, I'm an outlier. I'm constantly alone in this great big world and I hate it.

  I woke up today just as usual, grieving about my life and how messed up it is, eating my mother's breakfast and telling her to go away but today, my mother sat down in front of me, looked me into her tired, concerned eyes and said, 'Emily, you're almost 17, we need to start thinking about college and university, you can't hide away from reality.' It hits me, the cruel reality. I didn't want to hear what she wanted say, because it would just make me aggravated and I don't want my mother to be hurt, I ran out the front door and into the unknown world that I haven't discovered, I couldn't handle it, going back to school is just too much to deal with, I just want to be forever immersed in my own world.

   I was roaming the streets crying like an idiot, bearing the strange stares from the pedestrians. I sat on a bench and calmed myself down, but what astounded me was the glimpse of vivid green, I turned around and saw a store displaying a promotion on video games. However, what surprised me was, that the boxes of games were all in colour, right in front of my colour blind eyes, they were the first coloured objects I have seen for the past 12 years, was this a blessing from heaven? All I could see was the sparkling colourful video games that brightened. I have found the stimulant in my life, video games, it sounds ridiculous but I think I've found a purpose in my dull life, my heart was beating fast and I couldn't wait to see what this would lead to my life. For the first time in my life, I was excited to be living.

  *follow if you want to know how the story continues, will be posting another chapter soon*

*Thank you for reading! This is also on wattpad if it's better to read that way
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Friends

I think we can all agree that we want to be loved by everyone, we want to be the perfect person that everybody looks up to, we want to be 'goals'. When I scroll through my tumblr feed, I see these pretty and tanned girls in a bikini admiring the sunset, instead of feeling a sign of awe, I had a sign of defeat. In reality, we really can't be the perfect person, even the pretty girls in those 'perfect' pictures, there will always be people who find us annoying, and there will always be people who don't favour us. We all have our bad habits.

  That's what friends are for. True and genuine friends will tolerate your bad habits, they're the ones that share the same characteristics, habits and interest as you and those, are the ones that will help you all the way through life and don't hold grudges against you. True friends won't isolate you for someone else, true friends stick up to you no matter what, and trust me, there will only be just a few in your entire life. You don't need a hundred people to care about you because chances are, the majority of them don't care and just want your attention, true friends however do care and thinks about your needs before theirs. In primary school, I used to be friendless because I was different, I was new to the environment and I didn't know anyone, I remember I would cry everyday until a girl approached me one day and asked me if I was okay before anyone else, she did it because she cared, she did it because she noticed and was concerned. The feeling was new and touching, it was like finding light in the big dark world and I can tell you that the girl that became my first friend in life is now my best friend for 7 years.

  Friends are bonded through memorable things, you both have a mutual memory of each other. The small talks you have with them, the DMCs you talk about all night, the memorable school trips you had together. A friend is somebody that can insult your insecurities and you won't feel offended because you know they're joking. Sometimes at night, I wonder what i wake up everyday for, what is something that is worth while for me to get up and sleep at a decent time? Well, friends do, we look forward to school, to trips, to dates because we want to make more memories with your friends, going to school and studying might not be fun but you will find that the best memories you have in life lies in the memories you make at school. A school is a portal for you to make friends so treasure it. I think there is a clear difference between lovers and friends, Lovers are a pair of people who are passionately in love and can tolerate each others flaws; friends are a group of people who respect you for who you are and were there to witness your success since day 1.

It Hurts

  I think whenever people go, they always have this obligation to judge people. You might not know it, but when we first see a person, we subconsciously judge their looks, and instantly figure out the character of the person. That's why when you go to job interviews, you want to look pristine and formal because you want to have a good first impression. However, this judging gets too much.

  At school, all that I ever hear from people is their opinions about others, we do it because we enjoy it, undermining people and pick out the bad things about them. I have to admit, I do too sometimes. To be frank, we all do. As I mentioned over and over, we are eternally interested in ourselves. If we want ourselves to feel better, we tend to speak bad things about other people who you think are worse than you, then you'll feel more confident and superior. Don't you ever think when you speak out an opinion, you suddenly feel so much better? You like picking the negatives in people, the feeling is great and sometimes people get carried away with it...

  I was playing Paranoia with a group of friends, the games was to write down mean questions and put them in a jar, when you receive a question, you have to say the name of the person that is the answer to the question, if the person wants to know what the question was, they have to shout Paranoia. You only have three chances to say Paranoia. To my surprise, the majority of the answers were my name, I didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing but I soon found out. I shouted Paranoia to one of the questions and the question was 'Who would you kick out from your friendship group?'. The feeling was strange, the feeling that everything was a lie, everything that I contributed to my 'friends' wasn't appreciated, it was like I just don't belong. I knew it was just a game but sometimes, these comments, it hurts. I couldn't even imagine what I would have felt if the comment was genuine and was spoken to in my face. Even though these mean comments might not be true, people disregard it and take it the wrong way. I remember I was crying so much that night, thinking about all the effort I made to make friends and trying so hard to fit in, those mean comments kept whispering inside my head. I admit, I am a sensitive soul, but who isn't?

 Making these comments is what causes depression in people, because they feel cheated and they have nowhere to turn to. Even though you are saying it behind their backs, the word will spread and the person will find out eventually. Just imagine, if one day the person you despised became your best friends because you found out their true self but then they found out that you were talking behind their backs before, you instantly lose their trust and friendship, isn't that a shame.

  Therefore, you have no right to make a comment on a person unless you know them inside out, if you don't, then that's just a mean rumour. Yes, some people have characteristics that are hateful, but that doesn't mean you have to talk behind their backs, that won't change their character but in fact make it get worse, you're not doing any favours here. Tell the person directly, tell her what's wrong with her attitude in a nice way and they will reflect, try to give them a second chance to prove their true self instead of hurting them.  I think everybody deserves a second opportunity..

  

That Bully

  I’ve come to notice that bullying has become quite common, whether if it’s on the Internet, or physically in school. The proper definition of a bully is someone who uses strength and influence to harm or intimidate those who are weaker. Those people are selfish and they feel good when they bully people, it gives them a sense of power and satisfaction, and it is addicting.

 

  I was really lucky to have not yet had this experience of being bullied but I always feel compassion when I see posts on social media about bullying, I feel it’s very unfair and unjust, it drives people to a corner where there are no options of escape, I cannot dare to think how horrible that feeling is. Even though I’m not somebody in the position to give advice, I still want to put out some points to the victims out there. Don’t be silent about it, silence is like a cancer grows, if you stay silent about it, all those mean comments will keep on bothering your mind and you’ll become really self-conscious and depressed. You don’t necessarily have to tell a physical person, just write it out in your diary or on a blog, something to express your feelings.

  All bullies bully because they have their insecurities, mostly I think is because they want to be cool and be popular, people enjoy attention as I’ve mentioned in my previous post, their insecurity is losing friends and popularity, and mostly attention. If you know an insecurity of the bully that bullies you, pick on that, intimidate them, write a post-it and stick it on their locker, if you’re brave enough, say it in their face. Another way is to make them embarrassed in front of public, crack a joke in front of them and make them look bad. You don’t have to be afraid to speak up because there are no rankings between people, you and them are on the same level, both human beings, it’s just that ones more confident than the other, just because they have more friends to support them doesn’t mean that they are more superior than you. Step up.

  I guarantee you that if you avoid them by changing schools or by any other way, it won’t let the problem resolve. When you go into the new school, you’ll still have this insecurity that people will mock you and you become skeptical of people, unable to show you true self. If you let all those bullies go away, you’re confidence will rise and I bet then you won’t be the weakest person in school.  Don’t give up when you’re down because you have an amazing life upon you and it is not worth it to be worrying over some stupid comments that aren’t even true. Design your own life, and don’t others design it for you…

  And for bullies that are reading this post, pulling down someone doesn’t mean it’ll put you in a higher position, so stop bullying.