Dear Best Friend

Dear Best Friend,

  I know you don't like labelling and categorising your friends but I'm just calling you my 'Best Friend' just for the sake of this blog/letter. As you know, you are one of my closest friends and that is without a doubt. We have been through so much together in these 3 years in school and the time for you to leave is so close. Words cannot describe how sad I am and how I will miss you in the coming years, but I hope you will find a new happy life in your new school.

 Sorry for brushing you away when we first met, I didn't know that you would be so fun to be with, and it has taught me a lesson to not pre-judge people. I have learnt so many good qualities and lessons from you that I, myself as a person have matured so much throughout these years because of you. Therefore, thank you for that.

  I will never forget the raves we have: the nights when we crammed for our exams the next morning, the jokes we would make on our way to lessons, even though we were 10 minutes late. The fun throw backs to Disney movies and our childhood TV series, laughing and dancing to musicals, there is just too many memories, and these will all be remembered. I promise you, that I will never forget our friendship and your silly laughing face. 

  I want to thank you for being there for me when I have breakdowns. Being the only person who supports me and looks out for me in situations. As you know, I am a very quiet, introverted and preserved person, I don't tend to be the one dominating conversations, I'm not the one who is the out-going and crazy one. Through this, I have been struggling to make friends in school, I would just watch people laugh in groups, talk about their jokes as time goes by. But then, there was you, who would ask me how I was doing, was I okay, and actually cared. You brought this reckless, hopeless girl into a girl now who is a more open to people. Who is going to be there for me after you leave? I won't have a person there for me to talk comfortably with.

  However, I will try my best to maintain our friendship, whether if this means to take a 2 hour train ride to you, or buying a plane ticket to you. I will do it for protecting this precious friendship of ours. I have so many regrets of keeping in contact with people from my old school, that I've just watched them meet new friends, and became afraid to contact them, because they are having a great life without you. I promise that we will watch musicals in London, go eat in every Pret in London, and  I will guarantee that I will give you a birthday present every year.

  Even though I have had times that I was annoyed with you, had times when I was angry with you, had times when I was envious of you becoming close with other people, I kept it silent. Isn't this what you must have in a close relationship? I always forget about the things I was angry about when I think about all the wonderful things we have done together. That is what makes our friendship so memorable and beautiful. And I hope it stays this way :)

  Love you so much and sorry for the cheese in this blog/letter xx

                                                                                                                                   From,
                                                                                                                                  Your Best Friend <3

For our memories hahah :D https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkmrdX3StRo

Always Being One Step Behind..

  Do you ever have this feeling that no matter how hard you tried, things don't turn out the way it wants to be. No matter how hard I persevere, practise or work, I will always be the shadow of someone else, I will never get to be the one appreciated or congratulated. I always think that if I'm always going to be casted away, if I'm always going to be the one that 'only just participated', then what is the point? What is the point of me working hard?

  It's all because of human's urge to gain recognition, to reassure our insecure selves that we do have something that we are good at. We always enjoy the things that we are good at, because it makes us feel good. Recognition boosts your self-confidence and it means that you are acknowledged. Why play a video game that is not going to help you in life? Because you are good at playing that game, and it makes you feel happy and important. Importance, the opposite feeling of being invisible, the feeling that you are appreciated and acknowledged, and also having attention from other people.

  We get so good at something that we get to the stage where we take pride of it. To the point where other people keeps praising you that you are good at something, so it drives you to think that you are good at it. Therefore, you hate the feeling of failing in that certain hobby, whether it be being good at maths or music. It has become such an important thing in your life, that the feeling of being beaten or shaded will make you feel upset and angry.

  However, there are always people that will be better than us. No matter how hard you try, there will always be that one person that is better than you, and it will annoy you so much. You will get frustrated about why can't you be better than her, you will create this mental competition with that one person that is unnecessary, but you feel like you have to, because the day when you beat he/she, you will feel like you have won. It's the pride and the reluctance to admit that you are worse, because it is the only thing that defines you, and if you admit that you are worse, that means that you are worth nothing.

  Take me for example, I picked up music as a hobby alongside with school and it has developed to the stage where I am at a high level. Music is the only thing that defines me, it is the only thing that I'm remotely good at. However, there is this older girl in my school who is at the same level as me, but just a little bit better. She had the fine technique I didn't have, she had the clean playing style that I didn't possess. Due to the fact that she was older than me, she had all the performing opportunities, all the praises, recognition and love from the teachers, I was always standing in her shade. Sometimes, I would sit next to her in orchestra and listen to the praises and flowery words that teachers would drop on her, and for some reason, my heart will start to ache a bit. I have worked so hard to achieve what I have, but why do I feel discontented, like I've not done enough to prove myself? I will always one step behind her.. 

 Now, I have realised that there will always be someone better than. Whether it be someone who I don't know or someone that is living in the same environment as me. There will always be a higher mountain to climb. I have realised that she will probably have someone that she looks up to and envies, she will also have someone who is better than her, because she is not the best in the world. And so am I, why should we all aim to be the best and drive ourselves to be recognised for our work? Of course being praised and complimented is a good thing, but what is really the most important is to focus on yourself. You get so distracted from the mental competition that you have created that you lose focus on your own progress. Don't compare yourself to other people because it will just waste your time just thinking about it, because as I said, there will always be someone better. Just do your best, give your everything, convey your passion and just focus on yourself and just you. At the end of the day, you, yourself is your biggest commitment. So when you've improved and achieved your goals, give yourself a pat on your back, because you deserve it. :)

Procrastination??

  Exams.. the most dreaded event in my school years, very interesting how school arrange these horrible things right after your Christmas break.. What is the purpose? Make us study even when we're supposed to relax? All the distractions, internet, social media are things that distract me from my so called 'revision timetable' Is it because our brains are always attracted to things we like doing??? Why can't I just sit down, do a couple hours of studying and then relax for a bit? Why do I have to look at my phone every second even though nothing is happening? It's frustrating because it's so hard not to do it..

                                        

 Even when I'm studying, I think about how much more I have to do, and how I'm never going to cover all of the syllabus before exams, I freak out, have a mental breakdown, and then back to Facebook.. 2 hours later, I'm still on Facebook, for some reason, forgot that I'm behind and continue until it's time for me to sleep. Why can't I be disciplined? Why is procrastination so powerful.. Our human minds in some situations are never in our favour.

                                          

 I wish.. that I could love studying, I would embrace that everything I learn is to broaden my 'horizon', I wish I could think of school work as fun. But how can you love something when people around you hate it, it influences you to not like it either. The memes on Facebook, the messages of teenagers my age complaining about how school sucks, these all make me think that school is negative. People think school is a chore, but it's really not.. I've thought about this lately, school is actually where you create most of your happy memories and experiences, you learn how to socialise, meet friends, go on school trips, complain about how bad your life is, make fun of teachers... There are actually a lot of good aspects of school. It's not just a place of torture and education, it's actually a place to get a taste of what society is like.

                                         

  If you fail your internal exams at school, it's not the end of the world. It's a good mistake, and you can evaluate what you did wrong and improve your way of revision for the next set of exams. However, you only have a few of these chances before the real public exams come. Public exams are a whole different subject, they matter, they sculpt your future, that is what fears me the most. I haven't done any yet, and the fact that it matters, scares me. When I look back at the previous exams, I regret not doing more work, regret procrastinating. However, when I'm revising now, I'm still doing the same thing. Is it because I'm used to it? Used to not working and suddenly have to start doing it on a daily basis? Why am I so lazy!!!!

                                      

  It is going to be hard not to procrastinate, but I think of it as dieting. Dieting is hard at first, forcing yourself not to eat that bowl of french fries two inches away from you, but after a few weeks of perseverance, you start to get used to it, and that bowl of french fries doesn't appeal that much to you. I think procrastination is a slightly worse version of dieting because it's soooo hardddd!! Therefore, before I pick up my phone, before I decide to scroll on my feed on Facebook, I think twice. Is this going to benefit my future? Is it actually that important to miss out on the world's irrelevant gossip on celebrities? Do I actually care about what the Kardashians are up to? The answer is often no, so I just.. stop.. :P (it's actually not that easy, trust me)